# 239: The Seniors' Special

I was recently having coffee in a restaurant with a retired friend when we noticed the "seniors' specials" on offer before 5 p.m.    We recoiled in horror.  What is it about wanting older people to eat before everyone else gets home from work?   It puts me in mind of feeding the children first so that their parents can sit down later to a grown-up dinner.

Retirement residences, too, fill their dining rooms at 5:00 or 5:30, although these early meals are probably dished up for the convenience of staff who want to get home to eat with their own families.

As for the restaurant menu, the offerings for seniors didn't look all that appealing.  There were about 5 choices, all bland and denture-friendly.  I wanted to interview the wait staff and ask "Is this a popular service? Just how old are your older diners ?  Does anyone ever ask for a senior's serving of pad thai?"

But of course, I kept my mouth shut.

I just hope that retiring boomers have different expectations.  Perhaps a "seniors" menu available after 7: 30 consisting of interesting ethnic fare with suitable wine pairings?

I could go for that.

#238: Long Term Error

"Could you talk to "Margot B"?  She would love to have something to read.”  Long term care staff at the retirement/ nursing home where I volunteer direct me to a potential new client.

I've never visited "long term care” before,  but I know the residents are usually very old and have major physical challenges that require 24 hour nursing.  Often they are in wheelchairs.  Sure enough, when I peek into her room, grey haired Margot is dozing in hers with her leg propped up on the bed.

I am not sure what to expect.  The experience is sure to be memorable, but will it be disheartening or uplifting?   I prepare for the worst.

But the moment Margot hears my knock, she is wide awake. I introduce myself, and she gives me a lovely smile.  “I’m so glad to see you.  You are the library lady!  I still love to read.  My body is letting me down, but my mind is good."  She taps herself on the head for emphasis, and laughs, "At 96, what can you expect? "

  ***

I'd better get this tattooed somewhere I can read it often:  age is only a number. 

#237: The Walk

A retirement first:  I have agreed to organize and lead tomorrow’s hike for the ladies in my Canadian Federation of University Women's hiking group.

Up until now I have been reluctant to do this because there is a lot to keep in mind.  First you must choose a hiking spot, and there are many things to consider:

• The hike shouldn’t be too long.
• Or too difficult.
• It should be interesting.
• And easy to get to.

The leader also has responsibilities before, during and after the hike. She should:

• Provide a map so that no-one gets lost en route. 
• Account for everyone in the group.  (I wouldn’t want to lose someone on the track.)
• Take a first aid kit.
• Be knowledgeable about the location.
• Be able to recognize and point out native flowers.  (I am somewhat botany challenged, but I can recognize trillium.)
• Recommend a place for tea afterwards.

I have made two reconnoitering trips to check the lay of the land at Scotsdale Farms so I think I have everything covered. Now I will just cross my fingers for decent weather.

But I can’t help thinking about Jane Christmas' travel memoir, What the Psychic Told the Pilgrim, and the ladies who accompanied her on the Camino de Santiago de Compostello.  She encountered a host of problems all because she went hiking with a group of women.

Fortunately, there are no one legged hikers in my group, no chatty Cathys and no cliquey back- stabbers.  There will likely be no sexual shenanigans.

Past experience leads me to believe that our group will be very well-behaved.  All those guidelines will keep us on The Path.  

#236: Stop Me if You've Heard This One Before...

Two businessmen in the centre of Perth were sitting down for a break in their soon-to-be new shop...

As yet, the shop wasn't ready, with only a few shelves set up.

One said to the other,

"I bet any minute now some pensioner is going to walk by, put their face to the window, and ask what we're selling."

No sooner were the words out of his mouth when, sure enough, a curious old woman walked to the window, had a peek, and in a soft voice asked,

"What are you selling here?"

One of the men replied sarcastically, "We're selling ass-holes."

Without skipping a beat, the old dear said,

"Must be doing well... Only two left."
 
This Aussie laugh is courtesy of our retired friend Alexis who says she aspires to be like the woman in the story.

Me too.    

#235: I Love Retirement Because.....

What do you like best about retirement? is an inquiry I often make of recent retirees.  

I put that question to a guy I met last week and he was quick to give me a familiar answer: “I listen to my partner head off to work, and I go back to sleep!  And then I get up and have a leisurely breakfast while I read the Globe and Mail.”

What?  Is that the best he can do?

I’d like to suggest that men give less interesting answers to this question than women, but alas, loads of women trot out this very reply.  In fact, pretty well every new retiree has some version of “leisurely start to the day” on their list of favourites.

No-one ever says “Now I can learn to play the ukulele” or “I’m going to clown school at Ryerson”, or “I’ve incorporated my own charity to aid homeless teens.”  There must be people who do these things, but they are never at parties I attend.

I did press Mr. New Retiree about his former life.  What did he do, and where?  It turns out that he taught at a school in Mississauga, about 80 kilometres and a 1 hour drive from his Kitchener home. Except that no morning drive on the 401 ever takes only 1 hour.  Not unless you head out the door at 6:30 or earlier.  So he would likely be getting up every weekday at 5:30....

OK.

I get it.   

#234: GrannyMobile?

I know older people who have given up their cars with great reluctance simply because the challenges of Driving While Elderly were insurmountable.  It is a sad day when a bus pass is your ticket to freedom after a lifetime of driving.

But in Great Britain where the percentage of older drivers is higher than in North America, scientists are hoping to keep older drivers on the road longer, confident and safe, with an “emotionally intelligent” electric car designed especially for the over-sixty-five crowd.

Their intuitive car, a modified Peugeot iOn, will make up for drivers’ declining skills with some amazing abilities of its own. This vehicle, which gives new definition to the phrase “smart car”, can monitor heart rate and cardiovascular health, driver's concentration, stress levels and driving habits. (I wonder how the car responds to a dangerous reading.  Does it call 911 for you?)  Further modifications will allow the vehicle to perceive nearby obstructions so that the driver can avoid a collison, or park more easily.

This sounds to me like the sort of car we should make available to all comers. No need to prove you are pensioner in order to drive safe.  How about an iOn for everyone who is guilty of Driving While Distracted/Tired/Hurried or just plain Stupid? 

#233: OMG OMERS

Gaaagh.

Today I actually read my OMERS newsletter, the quarterly missive that comes from the Ontario Municipal Employees Retirement System with news about my pension fund.

I do consider it important reading—it is about money, after all-- but for almost a year I have avoided finding out anything other than essential OMERS info: how much am I getting and when does it arrive?  I think I might have been in retirement denial.

Still, in spite of my recent behaviour, I can’t promise I’ll read the next newsletter, although I’m not throwing them out.  I like to have a pile of suitable reading material as a hedge against insomnia and the OMERS Retired Member News is clearly written, nicely designed, full of practical information and about as exciting as the manual for my microwave.

But I did read the Spring edition. What does this mean?

Perhaps I am becoming a real retiree.