#303: Toe Job

If you are under 65, don’t even bother to read this. Stop now. You just won’t get it.  You won’t believe it when I tell you that there will come a day when the simple act of applying polish to your toenails will seem like an Olympic event.

Like, what’s the big deal?  You take the nail polish and slap it on.

Nope.  First you need to see your feet.  And it’s better if you can make out individual toes. Those bifocal/trifocals will be of no help either, so forget about glasses.

Reaching your feet?  Also required. You need to make contact with your toes so you can do what needs to be done. Knees and back come into play.  If bending over causes discomfort, you will be out of the pedicure business before you even get started.  Bending your knees at an odd angle may help --  providing your knees actually are bendable.

It takes me about 15 minutes to contort my body so that I can eventually attempt to replicate a $60 salon pedicure with all its soaking, filing, buffing and many coats of carefully applied polish.  If only I didn’t love the look of an expensive pedi and the fact that, well done, it lasts for several weeks.  If only my toes looked pretty without polish. But they are hiking toes -- bruised, discoloured, ugly. I need toenail polish.

But I think I can give myself a passable pedicure if the conditions are optimal--if my body is cooperating and if certain other requirements are met.  I must have really bright light (the sunny deck is a good spot for pedicuring).  And it is essential to have time --a lot of time. Time to flex my joints between “procedures”.  Time to wield nail polish remover in case my hand-eye coordination lets me down.

Damn.  Hand-eye coordination—I’d forgotten about that.